This is my electronic equivalent of a fresh sheet of notebook paper.
I want to take a moment for a “Brain Dump”, the ever-popular strategy of writing down one’s thoughts, frustrations, outstanding tasks, or whatever else needs to be articulated before moving into a restful night’s sleep. It’s supposed to be free from judgment, and forgiven for grammatical or mechanical errors. (But let’s be serious: you know this girl is going to proofread. It’s part of my obsessive nature.)
SnapDragon’s Brain Dump:
- I need routine in my life. While I’m grateful to have a homemaker’s flexibility, not having any type of schedule has worn on me a bit. My sleep schedule is erratic, which often affects my eating schedule. I grew up with strict routines, and it’s hard to be a free-wheeling drifter after 30 years. So I’ll be drafting some ideas on this.
- Secrets suck. Authenticity means more to me than anything in this world. I want my friends, my family–and anyone I meet, really–to just be themselves. I want to be myself. It’s hard to have a relationship otherwise. This is why it eats at me day and night that my family is on the periphery, knowing nothing of my life’s philosophy or artistic vision.
- Flaws make me human. This is no surprise. But I struggle with mental illness, in the form of what is sometimes crippling anxiety and depression. It might not appear that bad, because my middle-class upbringing demands that I get out of bed and do something, anything. I would rather die than shirk my responsibilities, even at the cost of my own health. This is not healthy thinking. I need to work on this. 90% of the stress in my life is generated inside my own head. I worry–no, I obsess–that I said the wrong thing, offended someone, or otherwise inadvertently screwed up and that the consequences are going to be dire (like rejection and hostility on a large scale). While I am opinionated, strong-willed, and probably contradictory at times, I truly have the best of intentions toward my fellow human beings. And it pains me deeply at the possibility of being misunderstood.
And so, Dear Reader, assuming you are there, I want you to know that things will be all right.
Maybe you don’t feel the need for a written/typed/posted Brain Dump, but don’t be afraid to let out your thoughts. Talk to your husband, snuggle with your cat, text your best friend, or watch reruns of The Office until you laugh yourself to sleep.
Because life is difficult for us thinkers.
We are not alone.
We will feel better tomorrow.
Good night, love. May you have a long and dreamless sleep.